"Is that what happened to me?"

   Those of you familiar with my blog know I don't treat Tristen like he has autism.  He and his brother have the same expectations.  We don't excuse him from responsibility.  When Tanner has asked us questions about his brother, we tell him he has a more difficult time learning than he does.  We don't go into detail...ESPECIALLY causation.  It's a tough enough world out there for an adult who proclaims their child was vaccine injured.  You have to have the facts to back up your statement, and my kids don't remember all the facts.  They know we don't get shots because the ingredients in them are toxic, and their immune systems are not strong enough to combat them.  This eases their minds and they feel good about it.
    But I've never said, out loud, in front of my autistic son that his brain was damaged by a vaccine.  I never explained the exact ingredients in vaccines that are dangerous.....until yesterday.

   The boys are studying the periodic table in science class.  Tanner is telling Tristen how he had to do a report last year in school on Mercury.

"Yeah, supposedly the mercury in thermometers was poisonous, so they stopped using it.  I couldn't even read a lot about it or find pictures of anything interesting because everything was blocked on the school's computer.  I don't even know if Mercury really is poisonous."

I explained to him the history of the men who used to make hats out of leather.  I told them how they used mercury to treat the leather before they sold it to people.  I asked them if they remembered the "Mad Hatter" from Alice in Wonderland.  They said they did.  I told them that was where the saying came from...."Mad as a Hatter" because the "Hatters" or the men who made hats started acting silly and goofy.

Tristen says..."Wait, Mom....is that what happened to me?"

How do you answer that?  Can I be sure it was the mercury in the vaccine?  Or was it just the vaccine in general given at two days old that caused his encephalitis?  Or was it a combination of having the vaccine at two days old and then nursing from a mother who had just received the MMR?  We will never know for sure, all we DO know is the symptoms of regression were clear after that vaccination.

I said,  "Do you think you are silly like the Mad Hatter?"

"Sometimes." He said very seriously....he stared to the side....deep in thought.

I wish I could give him a definite answer.  In my mind, it doesn't really matter exactly, because we are healing him now the best way we know how. 

How will this effect his self image? 

After leaving the conversation alone for a little bit, I came back to talk to him about it...just the two of us.  I told him how proud we were of him for doing so well in school.  I told him he was very smart and a very good boy who made choices to be a good person every day.

I asked him if he had any worries. 

"Is there anything you are worried about, Tristen?"

"Do you worry about being different than other kids?"

He told me he liked Legos.  I said that lots of kids liked Legos.

Then....very quietly....he said, "I'm worried I will grow up and have a brain like Dad."

My heart stopped.

"Honey, you don't have to worry about that.  Dad's brain changed from the war....you aren't going into the army and going to war, are you?"

"Nope."

"See....so no more worrying, ok?"

"Ok, Mom"

When we think these special kids don't understand....sometimes they understand what they need to understand....and sometimes it's deep and profound. 
He knows his Dad's temperament has changed since being in Iraq, and he knows he doesn't want to be that way.  And somewhere...deep down....he knew Mercury had affected him....even though he didn't know how.
Now that's a smart kid :)