"Mom, tomorrow I won't be a kid anymore...."



When I held my baby boy in my arms for the first time, a calm peace rested in my heart, and I knew in that instant, that I was meant to be his mother.  All the chaos, confusion and sadness, that had been my life up until that point, melted away, and I knew, without a doubt, that God had given me the greatest gift in all the world. 

I never wanted to be a mother.  Spending most of my life until that point babysitting, I had thought it was time for me to be me....to do things without the worry of taking care of others. 

It turns out, being a mother is much more than just being responsible for other humans- making sure they are happy, safe, fed and rested.  Those were just "things to do".  Motherhood is really about love.  You do those "things" out of an immeasurable desire....not just because they are necessary.

I didn't look into my son's eyes and wonder what he would grow to become.  Actually, I wondered what I would become.  I wondered if I could be a good mother, reminiscing on the mother's who I had known and influenced me in a positive way.  Could I really be a "good mother"?

Being a mother is the most important thing to be, I decided.  And I was going to give it my everything, no matter how hard it was or what obstacles were put in my way.  This precious child God had put into my life deserved the best of me.  He deserved happiness and unconditional love.

That's when I decided who I was.

I was Tristen's mom.

Tristen turns 18 tomorrow.

When I was 15, I saw in my future a college far away from home and a professional career.  I would live alone in the woods and people would refer to me as "the Crazy Cat Lady".

Three years later, I knew my destiny was to be a mother, but I had no idea the challenges ahead or where we would be in less than 2 decades.

This son of mine has taught me more than I could have ever hoped for or imagined.

Patience.
Unconditional Love.
True Kindness.
What it looks like to have a pure heart.
Faith. 
Understanding.
Loyalty.
Forgiveness.
He has shown me the power of prayer.
Laughter.
The light of Christ shines through him.
Honesty, despite consequences.
Dedication.
Perseverance.

So today, as I think about the boy I have raised, and the man he is about to become, I don't feel sad that he isn't off to college next fall.  He may not have a girlfriend or be able to drive a car, but MY SON has amazing qualities that most people spend a life-time aspiring to. 

And while we prepare for the next steps in his life, I have no doubt he will continue in greatness.  He is not tempted by the devil as most of us are.  Tristen clings to righteousness, going forward in faith.

Really, what more can a mother ask for?



"Mom, thank you for the greatest gift of all..."

I think my favorite part about homeschooling my kids is the time we are able to spend chatting about really important things.  Our conversations are not sparked out of anger or exasperation....we talk about "life" as we live it. 

I like to find teachable moments whenever I can.

Every Wednesday is payday so I go into Wichita to buy groceries.  Tanner had some money left from Christmas, and decided he wanted to look at GameStop.  So after lunch, the boys and I headed into town.  Going "shopping" together is not something we usually do, as they are just happy to let me pick out new shoes or jeans for them when they need them.


Tanner found the used game for a good price, and was very happy to know he would have some money left over. Across the room he spotted a plush-toy that he informed me was rare, and another plush for his collection that was on clearance for under $3.00.  The look on his face was priceless! He had saved his money until he was sure of what he wanted to buy, found it at a good price, and still had enough for two other toys to add to the collection he had been carefully building for years.

On the way home, I told him I was proud of the choices he was making, how he was careful about how he spent his money and how he took care of his things.

At a very young age, my boys were always careful with their toys.  They did not throw them or leave them outside or treat them roughly.  As they grew older, they took care of their movies...then DVD's....then electronics and games.  I never felt like I bought them a gift they wouldn't take care of or didn't deserve.  I also never bought them a toy or game "just because".  Gifts only came on holidays or birthdays for our family.

We were lucky to live near Columbus, GA from 2000 to 2006 because at that time I seemed to find the best deals on toys.  Every spring, all the stores in the city would price their toys at real discounts (remember when clearance really meant more than a dollar off?)  I would get the boys each a gift for their birthdays and holidays for the whole year (and for my nieces and nephews) and save a substantial amount of money.  I could have spent more on them, but I didn't.  One modest gift for each occasion was enough....and because of the early shopping, I was able to get them good quality toys, too. 

Taking a huge garbage bag and cleaning broken toys and trash out of my kid's rooms was never needed.  Items in their possession rarely broke.  Their rooms stayed clean. 

Now Tanner is about to be 16 and Tristen is about to be 18, and when you've been taking care of your possessions, and only buy things that are really truly wanted, it is easy to accumulate a lot.  Moving often helped us to weed out the toys they outgrew them.  With tears ( only mom's) we said 'good-bye' to Bob the Builder, Blue's Clue's, Dora, Care Bears and Veggie Tales.  (I kept all the Thomas trains for myself). 

Tristen and Tanner know how blessed they are to have as much as they do, and they show this by not only being respectful of their things, but also by sharing with others.  Often times, they will use their birthday or Christmas money to buy each other a gift, just to see the smile on their face.  We continue to keep our gift-giving very minimal to ensure they are meaningful.  And since my kids take care of what they have, end up having a lot in the end. 

Just because they have a lot, doesn't mean I will stop buying them appropriate gifts.  I don't believe they should be punished, and have to get rid of their things they have cared for, just because of the sheer volume.

Their rooms stay spotless.  They do their chores every day with out being asked.  They are respectful and love their family.

I don't care who thinks they are spoiled.

Neither of my teenagers own a functioning cell phone.  They don't have tablets or Ipads.  Tanner has a savings account to buy his own computer.

Tanner asked his dad if he could have one of his old game systems for a birthday gift this year.

I don't believe for a moment my kids are spoiled. Very blessed, but not spoiled.

***

I'm not a perfect mother.  My kids mostly had this personality trait on their own.  I nurtured it.  

I wanted to take the time to explain to them how proud I was of them, for being careful, kind,  conscientious, appreciative and respectful.  So, I told them all I mentioned above.

"Wow....I never knew that."

"What didn't you know, Tristen."

"I never remembered I was so good to my trains."

"You were.  It makes me very happy."

We unloaded the groceries and talked about dinner and our evening plans.

Tristen stopped.  "Mom, thank you for the greatest gift of all.  Teaching me responsibility".

"Thank you, Tristen, for being so willing to learn."

Just because my son doesn't have a job, it doesn't mean he's worthless

My oldest son who has autism will be turning 18 in less than two months.  We are preparing for the next step in his life.  His future looks different from other 18 year olds who will be graduating this spring.  He is not going off to college. 
Luckily, we are homeschooling, and we were able to discuss his future this Monday.  My heart was filled with joy at his excitement of starting the next chapter in his life.
We have been blessed to live in a house with a small mother-in-law apartment attached.  This is going to serve the perfect place for my son to shine with independence, while mom and dad can still keep a watchful eye over him.
We talked about the things he will need for his apartment. A discussion of chores and responsibilities ensued.  He didn't want to forget about his cat.  I could see a sense of pride and accomplishment come over him. To say this was a day I will never forget is not an understatement.

When I shared the our excitement with family and friends we were met with frowns and exacerbated looks.
"So what will he DO all day?"
"Surely there has to be some sort of PROGRAM for him?"
"Can't he be a greeter at Wal-Mart or bag groceries or something?"

These people were sorely missing the point.

Having some menial task in the community does not define one's worth.
Becoming an adult and no longer attending "school" does not mean that one completely stops learning.
And the obvious....the point totally missed....is that this young man has AUTISM but has worked his butt off....harder than most for the simplest of tasks....and he has made it to graduation and will be able to live in HIS OWN APARTMENT.

This is no small thing.  And it is definitely more exciting than if he were going to sit at home on the computer and go to bag groceries a couple of hours a week.

This.  This is huge.

Tristen is very routine oriented and has a wickedly sharp memory when it comes to daily tasks.  He knows how to do laundry and prepare meals.  He knows about self-care and safety.  He knows how to properly care for a pet. 

He will need help going to the grocery store and buying food and paying his bills, but I am confidant that in time, he will be independent in that regard as well.

Tristen has a great grasp on health.  He is has always been very focused on eating healthy and exercising, which fits in perfectly with successful adult habits.  We talked about continuing to learn by reading good challenging books and keeping his mind sharp doing puzzles and games.  Tristen is also ready to continue to volunteer in the community and attend his church meetings.

In many ways, he will be much more well-rounded and successful than other teenage boys his age.

These are the things to cherish and be grateful for, instead of thinking about what is lacking.  I whole-heartedly disagree that the only way my child will find worth in adult hood is being part of some community program.  That doesn't mean at some point he won't find a job that suits him or a place for him to make friends.  But for goodness sake....he has made great progress and is going on to have a very fulfilling life. 

If you can't see that, keep your comments to yourself.  Tristen is going to be busy being awesome.

Just because my son plays video games, doesn't mean I'm a bad mother

Somewhere along the way, video games have gotten a bad rap, and so have the parent's that let their kids play them.  This has become such common knowledge, that many parents feel superior to any adult who allows gaming in their home.

I can tell you that I did tip my toe into the gaming world ever so slightly when my kids were young.  In face, the first gaming system my boys had was purchased by me, as another form of learning.  It was called the V-smile and it had simple games for young children (back before Ipads and Iphones) to learn their ABC's and 123's.  You see, my child was diagnosed with autism, and it was particularly difficult to get him to be interested in something long enough to learn it.  I should have bought stock in LeapFrog, because that's where our money went to every holiday.  It was all about the learning in our home....for both our children....and we, as parents concerned about their well-being, wanted to give them all the opportunities we could to learn in various forms.

My husband was an avid gamer, but spent most of their formative years deployed.  We had (and still have) a strict rule about the types of games he is allowed to play in their presence.

My youngest son was in about first or second grade when he got a Gameboy for a gift.   I wasn't extremely thrilled, as I wanted to try to keep them from too much video game playing for as long as possible, but he really enjoyed it and it helped to keep him occupied on long trips.  What I realized was, that I had control of what kinds of games he played and how long he played them.

This was really a formative point in our relationship with games and how they affected us and our lives. 

When my kids were very young, we spend every afternoon outside.  In the sandbox, on the swing set, riding toys around the sidewalks, going to the park and the pool.  We were always outside playing letting them get all their little boy energy out.  And they loved it.

But my kids aren't like most kids.  They got sick.  They were sick A LOT.  Constant rashes and blisters plagued them.  Soon it became apparent the grasses, sand and pollen were having a negative affect.

As they grew older, we bought them bicycles and taught them how to ride bikes, but they were uncoordinated and did not feel well when they were outside.  Soon we found out they had seasonal allergies.  This didn't stop us from expecting them to participate in school and church activities that required them to be outside, but they began to choose to be indoors during their free time more often than not.

Now, by boys are just a few short weeks shy of being 16 and 18.  They never developed much talent for sports and felt awkward trying to keep up with their peers.  Camping was a fail, as the weather, bugs and nature seemed to have a negative affect on them.  Fishing proved unimpressive.

Common comments to me have proved quite offensive when referring to the time my boys spend playing video games, and I felt the need to write to explain why my teenage boys enjoying some game time does not make me a bad mother and it most definitely does not make them bad kids.

1) We continue to monitor what kinds of games are played.

My soon to be 18 year old only plays Lego games.  Lego Batman.  Lego Star Wars.  He plays in spurts.  He might really enjoy playing a couple of hours a day for a few days, but then he goes on to something else.  He doesn't play any online games.

My soon to be 16 year old is not interested in games with blood and gore and he does not like foul language.  He enjoys playing games that are usually geared toward kids around age 10.  He knows he has schoolwork, chores and lunch to do before he can play and that the TV is always Dad's when he gets home.  He sets up a little time for himself every afternoon and then moves on to other activities.

2)We continue to monitor how much time is spent gaming.  We also monitor their mood and agitation level.  A rule in our house is that if it causes you to become angry, frustrated, or upset, then it really isn't "fun" anymore and shouldn't be played.

3)Our children do as they are asked.

Untypical of teenage boys, they are not allowed to play anything after 10pm.  They wake up about 6 am every day (even though they are home-schooled) and stick to a rigid routine for breakfast, school, chores and lunch.  They do extra chores when asked without complaint.  They are kind and respectful to their parents and each other.  Why wouldn't we let them do what they enjoy in their free time?

4)Our children are not social.

Social awkward is an accurate description.  They don't relate well to other children, and most of their peers enjoy movies, games, dating and cell phones that my boys have zero interest in.  We have taught them to be "in" the world, but not "of" the world.....and that can make it hard to have friends with the same interests and values that you have.

At the end of the day, these are my children.  Their compliance and personalities dictate what rules we enforce in our home.  Maybe if we had different children, who were more obsessive or more defiant, we would have reason to limit their activities more.  Because we have been consistent in our rules and consequences from day one, gaming is only a small part of our lives that we do not see as an issue.  We are fully aware it could become one and if that happens we will deal with it accordingly. 

Video games aren't going away. They are a big part of the culture of the times, and I believe being too extremely strict could backfire at some point, causing them to rebel against all our rules.  Especially for kids who are socially awkward....a video game may be their only way to connect with another human being.

Just because my kids play video games, doesn't make me a bad mother.  But judging someone else's parenting on one fact, without understanding their unique situation, makes you a pretty mean and misguided person.

Reflections on Material Possessions

Somehow we made it through the holidays.  Here we are, a little battered and bruised....but we made it to 2016. 
My husband's mother and her husband were able to make the trip from Oklahoma to stay with us for Christmas through New Year's.  We had a nice time.   Nothing big or fancy, but just enjoyed time spent together with relaxation and good conversation. 
I've spent the time since, thinking about some casual comments made to me about things in our home that I brushed off at the time, but have begun to fester.  Comments about the decoration of our home, the state of our linens, mismatched furniture etc.
One of the things I really enjoy is decorating a room.  I love to find an object to base the room on, pic out paint colors, match and organize.  Walking into a fresh clean room is like a breath of fresh air for me.
We moved into our new home about five months ago and the first thing I did was imagine how I could decorate in a way that wouldn't break the bank.  We live a very frugal lifestyle so we can afford to care for our medically fragile family.  Autism is not cheap, and we are grateful we know what to do to help our son overcome the difficulties he faces each day.  Because of this, "things" do not have much value to me anymore.  Even though I love to decorate, it is just a fraction of what I would do if I had unlimited funds....or even some allotted funds.  So, all I decorated after the move was the two boys bedrooms.  It was enough to get me by and the rest would have to wait.
During the holidays, I was of course, thinking about gifts.  The last thing I wanted to buy for anyone in my family was useless "stuff" and it was also the last think I wanted to put on my list.  I didn't want anything I had to dust and nothing that would completely lose it's value the moment purchased, like a boxes set of a TV series.
I could think of things we needed....new underwear is always a useful gift!  Maybe a robe or slippers when the house gets a little cool.  But in reality....nobody really NEEDED anything...and I was relieved. I felt very blessed and content.
But then the comments started. 
Were they true?  Yes.  Most of our towels are stained mismatched and falling apart, in all three bathrooms and in the kitchen.  Are the pictures on the walls small and bland....sure.  Furniture mismatched....Yep.
I never let myself feel bad about these things.  After all, it's just "stuff".  Do we have a couch to sit on?  Yeah we do.  That's all that really matters to me at this point. 
I need my family to be healthy.  My thoughts are on vitamins, supplements and detox, not frilly wall décor.  It's just not what's important.
One day we will be able to buy new linens that all match and paint the walls and take out this old carpeting, but for today.....I remain grateful that we have what we NEED. 

I know what was said was not to intentionally be offensive.  At first, I started feeling really insecure about my home and letting people see it.  Does everyone look at all that is lacking?  I for one, see the potential here and just because we can't get it all done right away, doesn't take away from it's value.
My family's health is first and foremost.  And if it's not a functional item in this home, well, it just costs money, collects dust, and takes up space.

This was a good reminder, to not let anyone ruin your happiness. 

Second Regression

The first regression was after only a few days old.  The perfect baby boy who slept so well during the night and nursed like a champ was gone after the Hep B and replaced by a vomiting, colicky, sleep-deprived baby.  And that's over simplfying it.

From the referral to the Early Intervention Team in our state, I made it my personal mission to learn everything they had to offer and to work non-stop to help my son catch up to his missed milestones. 

Over the next few months, I would see a glimmer of speech development from time to time, but just when I thought speech was emerging, there was another ear infection, another round of antibiotics and/or another vaccination.

Once the diagnosis of Autism came, forget trying to get a doctor to treat any underlying illness!  He remained sick with fevers, vomiting and rashes and my pleas fell on apathetic ears.

I didn't learn about biomedical treatment and DAN! doctors (now MAPS) until Tristen was 9 years old.  We saw immediate improvements eliminating wheat and dairy and never looked back. 

We made slow progress using a variety of interventions such as supplements, chelation, yeast treatment, HBOT and chiropractic.

Within the last year, we saw even more gains, especially after a homeopathy trial, and we were close to single digits on his ATEC. At 17, we had a good prognosis for his future.

Unfortunately, just after New Years, things started to go downhill. 

Sometimes you have bad days, or a bad week, so in the Autism world, if he's a bit "off", I don't get too concerned right away.  I wait and watch to see if it progresses or if he comes out of it.

But weeks turned into months, and as I battled my own histamine related brain fog, all I could do was watch helplessly as my sweet 17 year old boy continued to spiral downwards.

I watched as he literally jumped out of bed this morning pacing and reciting movies in his head at 4:45 am.

During his homeschool spelling lesson, he became easily agitated, EVEN as I slowly spelled out each word for him, there was stomping  and frustration while he was on the verge of tears.  His usual drive for his homeschooling plan has diminished, as he can barely keep his mind from wandering back to Star Wars.

Despite the Epsom salt baths and a slathering of oils from head to toe, he spends most of his day pacing and twirling and running and sliding from one end of the house to the other, reciting Star Wars episodes he has memorized.

I couldn't believe how difficult it was for him to even watch a TV show he picked out, because every 10 to 20 seconds he had to pause it to pace back and forth while reciting Star Wars.

Sometimes I just get in my car to drive to hear the silence.

I'm losing him.  I'm losing him all over again.  All the years of sacrifice and regimens for nothing.  We are back to that same 9 year old boy, who doesn't answer questions or hear his name when it's called. 

Three weeks ago, he spoke in front of the church congregation, and needed minimal help reading his paper.  Yesterday, he went into fight or flight mode and nearly ran off crying.

So what do you do when you have to start over, from square one, and you are still in so much debt from previous treatments, you don't have a clue how you are going to start, if you can even figure it out?

I have about a hundred dollar a month budget to treat myself and my two boys.

Did I tell you about Tanner?

Tanner was diagnosed at 12 with sensory processing order, anxiety and school diagnosed Asperger's.  He can be difficult, especially when it comes to leaving the house.  He has become much more argumentative lately, which I chalked up to his 15 year old self.  Feeling sick and miserable all the time, his combative tone is often more than I can bare.

A couple of weeks ago, he is talking to me and his head twitched to the side and he grabbed it and said "Ow!".  He preceded to tell me he gets frequent shooting pains in his head that causes his head to twitch.

Last Wednesday night, there was finally an activity at church he was excited about.  The boys had bottles of Diet Coke and Mentos to make explosions.  I watched candidly from inside the building....mostly to see how Tristen was handling the activity.  I was absolutely shocked to see Tanner bouncing on his tip toes and shaking his hands at the wrists.  Quickly getting out my phone to video, I managed to see it two more times...the same movements some of my autistic students would make when they were super excited.  I'd NEVER seen Tanner do this before.

During reading today, he could barely read because he was stuttering so badly.

So what is my next step?  Do I quit the supplements I've been taking to combat histamine intolerance and Mast Cell Activation....basically essential for me to barely function so I can heal my kids?  Of course!  Except, if I do that, I won't be well enough or competent enough to heal them.

Is it worth it to do genetic testing on us all?  If it is, how long before I can save up to have it done?

How can I afford payments to get us all back to a "real" doctor and the travel expenses of getting there and back?

Is this really about Mast Cell Activation for us all?  Or is it more like PANDAS/PANS?

Do I forget about all of that and just go homeopathic?

I need help....and I HATE asking for help....

But I can't continue to watch my family's health decline.  This is their future.  And it means everything to me to recover them from the illness keeping them from reaching their full potential.

If you have a service or a supplement that you believe would help my family, I would love to hear from you.  You can email me at Meadow.Davidson@gmail.com

If you are so inclined to make a monetary donation, see the PayPal button on the left of this page.

As we start again on this healing journey, I will be blogging about our progress here and at greenbeangirl34.blogspot.com

Cops at the Park

“I am never going that park again.” Tristen said a resolute sadness. He was ashamed for “getting into trouble”, which he rarely does, because he is very adamant about following rules.

“Honey, you didn't do anything wrong. The police came to make sure you weren't supposed to be at the High School. You are homeschooled, so you can be at the park. You didn't do anything wrong. The police were just checking on you.”

“Oh!” He exclaimed and he bounced up and galloped off with a light in his eye and a slight smile on his face.

Why didn't it make ME feel any better?

As I sit here and repeat the mantra to myself...you weren't doing anything wrong, you weren't doing anything wrong....the paralyzing fear is real and intense.

I don't feel good about my kids playing at the park this morning while I walked the exterior sidewalk, because the cops showed up and interrogated them...and because I know you don't necessarily have to be doing something wrong to get into trouble with the police or have your children taken away.

I know this for multiple reasons.

I read this week about kids being taken away from parents for walking home from a park alone.

I know this from the countless medical kidnaps going on in this country from anything from asking for a second opinion, to delaying a vaccine or the doctor just plain thinking it's all in your head . Justina Pelletier's case made national news. You can read about it here.

The Stanley's in AR are still fighting to get their kids back after they were taken for having a legal water purification substance in their house.

Now that the initial shock is over, I'm angry that I have to be afraid. My husband fought for this country and was injured for life doing so. He fought so we could have freedoms. I don't feel very free.

I'm afraid to send my child to public school. You don't have to do much googling to see all the abuse in special ed classrooms and buses throughout the country.

I've been afraid to take my kid's to the doctor for fear of being be-rated for refusing a shot or an antibiotic or worse, being reported to CPS. I'm afraid of being kicked out of the office because my kids have not had their High School boosters, or being forced to sign something admitting I'm a neglectful parent.

And now I'm afraid to go to the park.

There isn't much to do in this tiny southern town. Both of my boys, 15 and 17, have social impairments that make it hard to relate to others and make friends. Spending time outside is also a chore, but I decided to take advantage of the spring weather and take them to the park to meet up with another homeschooling family from our church from about 7-8 each morning. Today, someone in the community called the police on the kids for being in the park.

As my friend and I rounded the corner and saw three police cars parked by the steps of the enclosed basketball court where the kids were playing, we started to run. I actually hoped in my head someone was hurt rather than “in trouble”. Then the panic set in, I stopped and doubled over, sick to my stomach with terror.

You see, regardless of all the reasons a person nowadays should be worried their children will be taken away from them, I experienced this first hand a couple of years ago. My grandmother, who would give June Clever a run for her money, had her 17 year old granddaughter taken away from her over a misunderstanding due to her disability. Seeing my 85 year old grandmother taken away in handcuffs crushed me in a way I have no words to describe.

But she didn't do anything wrong.

My world crumbled. Nothing made sense anymore and I no longer felt safe. I felt like anyone could be punished for anything no matter when or where or if it was warranted.

My grandmother's lawyer reviewed everything and was in shock because the police had no legal standing to have done what they did.

She went through a year of hell anyway. Attending every meeting, counseling, court date and spending thousands of dollars on attorney fees. They even kept her granddaughter from her after she turned 18.

There is an illusion in this country of greatness and freedom.

My grandma never had so much as a parking ticket in her whole life. She retired as clerk of courts and new the judges and police in the average town well.

If it can happen to her, it can happen to anybody.

What I learned was this: It's not the actual doing of wrong, it's the perception of wrong-doing by those in charge.

We've had an unusual amount of rain here. Lots of green grass and wildflowers. I see one of my neighbors mowed all of their lawn except a about an 8 by 6 foot patch that is considerably longer than the rest. The city offers citations to those who do not keep their lawn trimmed to a certain height, so I was curious to why they did not mow such a large overgrown section.

Bluebonnets. Texas' state flower. Anyone you ask will tell you it is illegal to pick/cut them. It's taught in schools and down from generation to generation. I was intrigued and started to research.

http://www.nbcdfw.com/weather/stories/Q-Picking-Bluebonnets-is-Against-the-Law-145957345.html

It's not illegal. You have to be careful what you do in state parks, gardens or private property, but that's with anything and not limited to bluebonnets.

What is my point with all of this?

Even with this knowledge, I wouldn't be surprised if a police officer stopped me and prohibited me from doing so.

It's not about the real law, it's the perception of the law by the person enforcing the law.